Score: 10

"Difficult at first, but thoroughly enjoyable."

submission: Castle Crashing the Beard

date: March 14, 2008

Took me three attempts to crack this, but I eventually got it.

The game play was perfect, I didn't encounter a single problem playing this; any issues with controls were down solely to me being completely incompetent with my keyboard.

I enjoyed the level up system, which was a nice surprise, as the NG level icons offer so much to a flash creator, but are seldom used in submissions (I particularly liked the last upgrade, t'was amusing).

The graphics were smooth and aesthetic. The sound was pleasing, as it was more of a background noise, which is excellent, because I can't stand music which is too loud when playing a game, as it overrides my pathetic senses, and that leads me to getting confused. (Tom is a crap voice actor, though).

Overall, it's an extremely nice challenge. Although it's short, it's nothing but sweet.

Protips for players:

Whacking gravestones gives you +1 experience, and keep on hitting them for combos, this is an easy way to upgrade and get a better weapon. Don't knock them out of view though, as this will mean you'll lose the use of them.

Follow patterns of 'The Boss', when you hear that laser chargin' up, stay at the bottom when it's firing, then move right to the top. It always fires high, then low.

Remember you have magic to charge your weapon with, this is an effective way of doing super damage to Tom, plus it will give you more combos = faster upgrades.

Lastly, it's not over until it says it's over.

Score: 9

"Painfully frustrating."

submission: Even More Bloons

date: March 3, 2008

After a couple of days of playing this on and off, I have finally beat it. I can assure you, with each passing level, I could feel the blood vessels in my head starting to swell up. Sure, all the levels are completely possible, although they do take a good few tries to get anywhere close to your targets.

I'm still personally under the impression that some of these levels are just blind luck, most noticeably level 38. It took me at least 50 attempts to get this right, as every dart needed to be placed perfectly. I finally got it, thank God, as my girlfriend was getting quite annoyed with me swearing all the time.
It was with some relief that all the levels after 38 were much better, and only took a couple of attempts to complete.

The graphics are what I expected; basic but aesthetic. Sounds were also minimal, but there's something satisfying about hearing those balloons pop. Reminds me of bubble wrap.

To be completely honest, there's not much to improve on. I can't mark you down for it being too hard, because making it easier would just ruin the excitement of beating that pointlessly difficult level. So, yeah, keep on truckin' with it.

Overall verdict: Great game, extremely tedious and frustrating, but you get a nice feeling when you finally complete it.

Score: 10

"Incredibly funny"

submission: Adolf Hitler:CAI493+D 144

date: January 6, 2008

I don't know what it is about this series, but it always makes me laugh.

This instalment was just pure genius, but it doesn't quite beat the slowpoke episode, which had me crying with laughter for about 10 minutes.

Seriously.

Great work, sir. The best series on NG!

Score: 10

"Outstanding"

submission: Waterlollies

date: November 5, 2007

This is quite arguably the finest series on Newgrounds. There's something about the simplicity of the story line, along with the world class animation that just brings it together nicely.

These animations remind me of watching kid's TV when I was a child, and my parents would sit down and watch them with me. I always thought they were just keeping me company because I was small, but I like to think they sat there because they were enjoying the cartoon, too. The point I'm trying to make is, although the narrative is easy to understand and that there isn't any adult humour, per se, you don't have to be young and naive to enjoy this. Any one of any age can watch and feel fantastic about themselves.

Very rarely are there animations submitted to Newgrounds which are truly classed for everyone, but I challenge anyone on this site to watch this, and not enjoy themselves.

Really, this is a fine piece of creativity.

Score: 10

"Tear jerking."

submission: Mario And Friends Goof Up

date: October 14, 2007

This submission is by far the greatest animation to ever grace the front page of Newgrounds. It's use light, graphical superiorities, non-diegetic and diegetic sound make this flash beat all it's competitors with ease.

Let's talk a little more about the graphics. Well, what can I say apart from "superb"? I have never seen anything like this before in my life. The way in which this animator has not only managed to create his own sprites (which, by the way, are better than the real things) but has also given the main protagonist, Mario, a bright yellow awe about his person. It's truly incredible.

It's the use of light and vibrant colour in the above paragraph that makes this flash really stand out. The incredible tones just scream "I am aesthetically pleasing on the eye". At one stage, I thought I was going to have an embolism it was so good.

Which brings me on to the sound. What can I say? I mean, seriously? This animator is obviously a trained voice artist. I couldn't tell the difference between the ripped sound and the sound of the actual artist speaking. You know you have talent on your hands when someone is able to do that.

Overall, this flash is just 100% incredible. It is, in my humble opinion at least, the very best flash on Newgrounds.

Score: 2

"Absolute drivvle."

submission: :: Car Wash ::

date: August 29, 2007

Having just come back to Newgrounds for a few seconds, I can see why I left.

I just find this sort of material so banal. Watching illwillpress you think "Yeah, he can more or less create flash" but so what?

The animation style was way below average, or about par in terms of this animators abilities. The script was diabolical, full of the usual smut and tripe that we come to expect from such a respected artist. Any jokes within the script are beyond words, and the fact you've actually watched and enjoyed this makes me want to cry.

Basically, if you like masturbating over some poorly drawn cartoon character, this is the flash for you.

Score: 10

"Absolutely perfect"

submission: The Ultimate Orgy

date: August 12, 2006

To be perfectly honest, I watch this submission with an immense sense of aprehension. How foolish I was.

Quite frankly, this is the best flash ever made, I haven't laughed so heartily in a long time. However, it is difficult to say what I'm actually chuckling at the most. Initially, it was the fantastic animation, then I read the reviews... Boy, oh boy, as usual, with any flash that depicts a penis, all the humourless homophobic twelve year olds start crying. To me, that's what this flash is all about. Gold.

I can't write a review and not mention the music, it's probably THE best parody ever created. It's a beautifully crafted song, which rolls along with the original seamlessly; very rare in the world of parodies these days.

Let's not forget the graphics, either. 'Aesthetic' is probably the only word to describe them, they caressed the eye in such a way I felt I was being sexually hypnotised, and it's very rare for a movie of such callabor to do this to me. Only a man of perfection and genius could do such an inspirational anomaly to a human being. For that, I must congratulate you.

Overall, this is a piece of comic genius. The subtle nature of it's humour coupled with its acknowledgements of its minor shortcomings result with the most amazing concequences.

Thank you.

Score: 10

"Amazing."

submission: RPS Blockade

date: July 7, 2006

As I sit here, viewing the wonders they call Newgrounds, I felt a little bit down, as some of the commoners might say. In this state, I felt the only way to cheer myself up would be to visit, what we call in the trade, the Newgrounds Flash Portal. Usually, this is the best source of all things holy, with little nuggets of 24 karat gold. Unfortunately, I have been disappointed so far today, which led me to the slow realisation that life, possibly, just isn't worth living. There's nothing worse than a Portal bereft of comedy.

So what to do, I asked myself. Just sit here and wallow in my self pity, or wait until judgement day cometh forth to bring me this fine comedy. It's like waiting for a sign, a sign from God after you pray, just to see if he was listening. My initial thought was nothingness, I prayed and prayed, yet no funny has been produced. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, surely I wouldn't be let down. Surely God could provide me this ounce of satisfaction. Alas, he could not.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I saw a light, I couldn't comprehend, yet alone believe it. I check again, the light is still there; this must be the sign I was told about. The source came closer and closer, there was writing within this beautiful spectrum. I squinted to see what it said, adrenaline, epinephrine, whatever you see fit to call it, ran through my viens. Then, it hit me like a tonne of bricks, God has presented himself in no other way, until now.
The words you ask? Well, they were highlighted in a stunning yellow gold, once highlighted, the colour grew deeper.

"RPS Blockade"

I gulped, I daren't touch it, were my initial thoughts. No, I must! It would be a darn shame to waste such a masterful miracle. I closed my eyes, waiting to see what brilliance has been thrown upon me. As soon as I opened them, the full force flew across my face. It was like getting slapped by a trout, yet, somehow, far more satisfying. "What a marvellous day", I remember saying with a huge cheesy grin whipped on my face. Miracles truly do happen, I can tell you.

Within the game, I feel the true pressure. With each passing moment, I feel the tingles thoughout my spine; neurotransmitters are working overtime. The dopamine receptors have finally opened, and oh boy, what a feeling it is. Anticipation builds, I want to explode. My sadness has turned into joy, which is starting to turn into impatience. How much longer do I have to wait before I get the full force of this greatest miracle ever to fall on plantet? I keep waiting. At last! The reason I am here in there first place, the button that will end all buttons. The satisfaction that will end all sexual endeavours. It's truly incredible how it can all be contained in such a tiny, insignificant piece of yellow text called "Play This Game!!!". Fantastic.

I clicked it, I had to wait, I thought my miracle had turned into an elaborate hoax, I almost cried. Suddenly, it started to load, this was it, this was the real deal, no going back now, Joe. This is what it's all about, seeing truly is believing, afterall. What I see before me is the most beautiful game you'll ever see, an absolute plethora of hand-shaped objects. What hand-shaped objects? At closer inspection, I could evalute the situation completely and concluded the hands were shaped in the style of the classic 'Rock, Paper and Scissors' game. God has shown himself to me in the medium of crazy hands. I wept. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't tears of sadness, it was tears of ecstatic jubilation. My entire life has been hinged upon this moment, and I haven't been disapointed at all.

Good times.

Score: 10

"Epic."

submission: R!SE

date: April 28, 2006

As usual, we are treated to the very best of Denvish's amazing scripting ability.

There's nothing quite like a game that is quick and simple to master, we don't want to spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to play the damn thing, we just want to get straight into the action, and this game delievers that.

Here, as we've come acustomed to with Denvish, is an extremely quirky little game with one simple aim: "Keep fucking flying". Possibly one of best ideas for a game next to "Throw It". Of course, 'Throw It' was also a KB game, and I always have a soft-spot for KB games, because so much more effort has to put into them, you have to be more careful with how much sound you can introduce, or how graphic intensive it can be. Luckily, this game not only has sound but some smooth graphics, which is unusual. Normally, one would have to compromise, it's either sound or graphics, Denvish has skimped on neither, and just look at the results!

Spectacularly, an engine has been created which allows the creation of, probably, an infinite amount of character creations, which allows for a greater diversity, this is often bereft from some KB games. Fat, thin, tall or short, you can create a monster for all tastes. Fashion one to look like your ex, if you want- it's endless.

Thankfully, a scoreboard is now on the cards, making my love for game increase from infinity, to infinity + 1. Knowing that some dolt has a higher R!SE score than my own, makes me hopping mad, I tell you. Which is why this game is so God damn addicting.

Brilliant.

Score: 10

"Top draw"

submission: Christmas: A Documentary

date: December 21, 2005

This is more than just another flash. . .

It's really closer to art with its well-drawn characters, it's subtle comic writing, and deftly modulated ironies. The writing is so distinctive it's unlike any other animation I've ever seen, and its brand of humour is unmistakably its own. Unlike most American animation which, to me anyway, seem to consist of little more than a series of unfunny jokes, in "Christmas: A Documentary" the bad jokes are deliberate, and yet within the ironic context in which the bad jokes are delivered, they're still funny -- sometimes terribly funny.

Sure, many Americans aren't going to get the jokes -- and they may also have trouble with the accents (probably the same people).

Unfortunately, I can see this having a minority cult viewing due to its length, I happen to like the story developing which so many animations seem to fail at. But, it seems, anything over 2 seconds to the majority of the NG audience is too long. If it doesn't have tits or fart jokes all the way through, their attention will disappear. Which is a shame, because they're missing out on some true gold.

Christmas: A Documentary, is a fine piece of work with excellent animation, dry and wet wit with a dash of something new. Truly inspirational to this new genre that has graced NG. I just hope people see it in the same light that I do.