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All 56 game Reviews

Segway of the Dead Segway of the Dead

Rated 5 / 5 stars

I'm on level 7 with the Nazi zombie babies, but I just can't get past the part when zombie Hitler starts attacking you from the Hindenburg. I've built up substantial SP and am three-quarters full on my mounted weapon (I loved the third upgrade, really made the other level A LOT easier), but I still can't get that final headshot on zombie Hitler.

It's so frustrating that I just want to give you zero stars, but the graphics and game-play is so innovative, that would be unfair.

Hopefully I can beat level 7 soon.

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Plimpton's Video Falconry Plimpton's Video Falconry

Rated 5 / 5 stars

Brings back horrible memories

My dad had a ColecoVision when they first came out; sadly I wasn't born at the time but he kept in the loft for when I was ready.

I think I was about 5 when he released the beast from the attic and he even had this God forsaken game. I mean, this amazing port is unbearable to play now, but imagine a kid playing it back then on an actual ColecoVision... there were many MANY tantrums.

I played this ported version with bated breath, knowing full well what it use to do to me. This time, however, I have an adult brain and larger hands in order to press the impossible key combinations. Was it any easier? No. In fact, fuck no. This game still remains one of the most infuriating I have ever played and will put me in a early grave.

This time, dammit, I at least managed to complete the main story. Although I still fail miserably at the mini-games.

I wish this game never existed, but am glad that it has found a home for everyone to "enjoy".

Madness Accelerant Madness Accelerant

Rated 5 / 5 stars


I thoroughly enjoyed this game, I must say. The points I particularly liked about it are that the enemies came at you in fair numbers and the boss battles weren't outrageously painstaking to master, although still tough at times.

No major problems at all with the game, it was all very smooth and pleasure to play; especially with JoyToKey (I honestly don't know how people play games now without it). I did come across a small bug yesterday, in which I dropped the bosses health down to zero (continually jumping on his head, out of the way of his fiery breath) at his second coming yet when I went into the next room he came back with 500 health and I had nowhere to go, so I had to restart.

Although having just completed it, I still feel there should be more to this game. I can't really put my finger on it. Usually, with you guys, the games are A LOT harder, they take a few cracks at it to achieve your goal. With this, however, I was able to master it within a couple of goes. I want to continue playing it, but there's nothing really left for me to do, detracting from the replay value. I think more medals would probably help; a medal for over 100 kills, a couple of comedy medals. Perhaps even a difficulty setting.

Don't get me wrong, though, this game is totally awesome, and a great way to kill an hour. I just wish it could kill a couple more hours, ya know, it has so much potential.

Cave of Wonders Cave of Wonders

Rated 5 / 5 stars

I did it! YAY!

After spending hours of my life playing this game, I have, at long last, managed to obtain all the glorious medals. Which means I have actually played the game, and not written a review out of spite because the game is too "WAH WAH WAH HARD". If anything, this game is actually too easy. After a couple of attempts (and having to fire up the trusty JoyToKey) I was able to beat all forms of Luis losing only a tiny bit of health.

The true tricky bit to this game is (or was) escaping the cave. Before the update, I kept dying due to a small glitch that kept forcing my through the floor, causing me to fall into the abyss. Thankfully, that was fixed, and I was able to escape the cave in 219 seconds. SO CLOSE. After a few more attempts, I achieved a time of 189 seconds, giving me my "YOU HAVE NO LIFE" medal. Honestly, the game was easy enough with a single life, all you had to do was (HEAVEN FORBID) practice a little.

I thoroughly enjoyed this game (although very similar to CC The Beard), and it saddens me when I see a low scoring review from some 10 year old crying "ITS TO HRAD".


> Single repeated "A" taps yield 3 times the damage than the double jump swinging combo thingy attack

> The first two forms of Luis do (comparatively) little damage to you. If you're going for the speed run, just use the "A" taps for +3 damage, even if he is shooting fire. Stay in the middle and move around when he's a bubble and throws lollies- these can be dangerous. He only does one bubble throwing lolly chucking formation if you're pro at pushing "A" and kill him.

> Double jumps onto floating platforms or over holes are not always the way to go. Think, does that gap REALLY need a super jump?

> 200 seconds is actually a fair whack of time. Even if you fall down a hole, you can still achieve the >200 seconds medal.

Great work, chaps!

Castle Crashing the Beard Castle Crashing the Beard

Rated 5 / 5 stars

Difficult at first, but thoroughly enjoyable.

Took me three attempts to crack this, but I eventually got it.

The game play was perfect, I didn't encounter a single problem playing this; any issues with controls were down solely to me being completely incompetent with my keyboard.

I enjoyed the level up system, which was a nice surprise, as the NG level icons offer so much to a flash creator, but are seldom used in submissions (I particularly liked the last upgrade, t'was amusing).

The graphics were smooth and aesthetic. The sound was pleasing, as it was more of a background noise, which is excellent, because I can't stand music which is too loud when playing a game, as it overrides my pathetic senses, and that leads me to getting confused. (Tom is a crap voice actor, though).

Overall, it's an extremely nice challenge. Although it's short, it's nothing but sweet.

Protips for players:

Whacking gravestones gives you +1 experience, and keep on hitting them for combos, this is an easy way to upgrade and get a better weapon. Don't knock them out of view though, as this will mean you'll lose the use of them.

Follow patterns of 'The Boss', when you hear that laser chargin' up, stay at the bottom when it's firing, then move right to the top. It always fires high, then low.

Remember you have magic to charge your weapon with, this is an effective way of doing super damage to Tom, plus it will give you more combos = faster upgrades.

Lastly, it's not over until it says it's over.

Even More Bloons Even More Bloons

Rated 4.5 / 5 stars

Painfully frustrating.

After a couple of days of playing this on and off, I have finally beat it. I can assure you, with each passing level, I could feel the blood vessels in my head starting to swell up. Sure, all the levels are completely possible, although they do take a good few tries to get anywhere close to your targets.

I'm still personally under the impression that some of these levels are just blind luck, most noticeably level 38. It took me at least 50 attempts to get this right, as every dart needed to be placed perfectly. I finally got it, thank God, as my girlfriend was getting quite annoyed with me swearing all the time.
It was with some relief that all the levels after 38 were much better, and only took a couple of attempts to complete.

The graphics are what I expected; basic but aesthetic. Sounds were also minimal, but there's something satisfying about hearing those balloons pop. Reminds me of bubble wrap.

To be completely honest, there's not much to improve on. I can't mark you down for it being too hard, because making it easier would just ruin the excitement of beating that pointlessly difficult level. So, yeah, keep on truckin' with it.

Overall verdict: Great game, extremely tedious and frustrating, but you get a nice feeling when you finally complete it.

RPS Blockade RPS Blockade

Rated 5 / 5 stars


As I sit here, viewing the wonders they call Newgrounds, I felt a little bit down, as some of the commoners might say. In this state, I felt the only way to cheer myself up would be to visit, what we call in the trade, the Newgrounds Flash Portal. Usually, this is the best source of all things holy, with little nuggets of 24 karat gold. Unfortunately, I have been disappointed so far today, which led me to the slow realisation that life, possibly, just isn't worth living. There's nothing worse than a Portal bereft of comedy.

So what to do, I asked myself. Just sit here and wallow in my self pity, or wait until judgement day cometh forth to bring me this fine comedy. It's like waiting for a sign, a sign from God after you pray, just to see if he was listening. My initial thought was nothingness, I prayed and prayed, yet no funny has been produced. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, surely I wouldn't be let down. Surely God could provide me this ounce of satisfaction. Alas, he could not.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I saw a light, I couldn't comprehend, yet alone believe it. I check again, the light is still there; this must be the sign I was told about. The source came closer and closer, there was writing within this beautiful spectrum. I squinted to see what it said, adrenaline, epinephrine, whatever you see fit to call it, ran through my viens. Then, it hit me like a tonne of bricks, God has presented himself in no other way, until now.
The words you ask? Well, they were highlighted in a stunning yellow gold, once highlighted, the colour grew deeper.

"RPS Blockade"

I gulped, I daren't touch it, were my initial thoughts. No, I must! It would be a darn shame to waste such a masterful miracle. I closed my eyes, waiting to see what brilliance has been thrown upon me. As soon as I opened them, the full force flew across my face. It was like getting slapped by a trout, yet, somehow, far more satisfying. "What a marvellous day", I remember saying with a huge cheesy grin whipped on my face. Miracles truly do happen, I can tell you.

Within the game, I feel the true pressure. With each passing moment, I feel the tingles thoughout my spine; neurotransmitters are working overtime. The dopamine receptors have finally opened, and oh boy, what a feeling it is. Anticipation builds, I want to explode. My sadness has turned into joy, which is starting to turn into impatience. How much longer do I have to wait before I get the full force of this greatest miracle ever to fall on plantet? I keep waiting. At last! The reason I am here in there first place, the button that will end all buttons. The satisfaction that will end all sexual endeavours. It's truly incredible how it can all be contained in such a tiny, insignificant piece of yellow text called "Play This Game!!!". Fantastic.

I clicked it, I had to wait, I thought my miracle had turned into an elaborate hoax, I almost cried. Suddenly, it started to load, this was it, this was the real deal, no going back now, Joe. This is what it's all about, seeing truly is believing, afterall. What I see before me is the most beautiful game you'll ever see, an absolute plethora of hand-shaped objects. What hand-shaped objects? At closer inspection, I could evalute the situation completely and concluded the hands were shaped in the style of the classic 'Rock, Paper and Scissors' game. God has shown himself to me in the medium of crazy hands. I wept. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't tears of sadness, it was tears of ecstatic jubilation. My entire life has been hinged upon this moment, and I haven't been disapointed at all.

Good times.

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PsychoGoldfish responds:

Joe.... switch to decaf


Rated 5 / 5 stars


As usual, we are treated to the very best of Denvish's amazing scripting ability.

There's nothing quite like a game that is quick and simple to master, we don't want to spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to play the damn thing, we just want to get straight into the action, and this game delievers that.

Here, as we've come acustomed to with Denvish, is an extremely quirky little game with one simple aim: "Keep fucking flying". Possibly one of best ideas for a game next to "Throw It". Of course, 'Throw It' was also a KB game, and I always have a soft-spot for KB games, because so much more effort has to put into them, you have to be more careful with how much sound you can introduce, or how graphic intensive it can be. Luckily, this game not only has sound but some smooth graphics, which is unusual. Normally, one would have to compromise, it's either sound or graphics, Denvish has skimped on neither, and just look at the results!

Spectacularly, an engine has been created which allows the creation of, probably, an infinite amount of character creations, which allows for a greater diversity, this is often bereft from some KB games. Fat, thin, tall or short, you can create a monster for all tastes. Fashion one to look like your ex, if you want- it's endless.

Thankfully, a scoreboard is now on the cards, making my love for game increase from infinity, to infinity + 1. Knowing that some dolt has a higher R!SE score than my own, makes me hopping mad, I tell you. Which is why this game is so God damn addicting.


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Denvish responds:

wuts a 'denvish'?
Anyway, thanks muchly for the review, I appreciate it when people spend more than two seconds commenting on what they thought of the game...
I haven't got any ex-girlfriends that look QUITE like that... not far off, though
Erm.... that's it. Sorry that 'some dolt' is better at moving their mouse than you =)

Dart 3D Dart 3D

Rated 5 / 5 stars


Ah, here we are again with another fantastical game by the amazing Denvish. It seems everytime I see a new submission by you, the bar rises once more and game creators across the globe have a new mentor.

When I first opened this game, I was relieved to see you had sacrificed a few KB to put some sound in, this should help it quite considerably, because we all know what the NG audience is like and will destroy you over something as basic as that.

As usual, we are treated to the full assortment of Denvish delights, with 3D graphics that (to my knowledge) are extremely rare to see in a flash submission. So this is a landmark occasion for the flash gaming industry and it's good to see a name I recognise at the forefront of such an important feat.

On the topic of graphics, it has a great aesthic feel to it, which reminded me of how games used to be made in the early 80s, it has a classic old school feel, but with the modern twist of new technology. Linked in to the feel of the game, the music was perfect, I like to think you put effort into choosing that song because it matched perfectly with the surroundings, it really did feel retro.

The controls are also tip-top. But, it didn't seem realistic enough. The physics for the ship's movements compared to how well everything else looked, it lacked visual perspective. Well, for me. Also, I has an issue was with targetting. The trouble was determining where the enemies were in space. I assume you're hearing this a lot, so I won't dwell on it. It isn't that much of a problem, anyway.

No doubt this will get compared to GTA and Halo, by all the morons out there, but, in my honest opinion, this is a fantastic game with a heck of a lot to offer. It is the perfect length for a game of this nature and had just the right difficulty level. Perfection, some might say.

Top dog, sire.

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Denvish responds:

Thank you very much for the awesome review =)

Milk Madness Milk Madness

Rated 5 / 5 stars

Perfection in Flash form

To be perfectly honest, I played this submission with an immense sense of aprehension. How foolish I was.

This is a piece of comic genius. The subtle nature of it's humour coupled with its acknowledgements of its minor shortcomings result with the most amazing concequences.

Alas, this game a come along way since its earlier beta, vast improvements have been made and feedback acted on in a swift manner to make gameplay even more awesome than ever before.
I expect the audience sees this as just "shoot and click", without looking deep into other aspects of this flash, I expect, for one, that the actionscripting was an absolute logistical nightmare, with literally minutes having to be spent to making it right.

Let's not forget the graphics, either. 'Aesthetic' is probably the only word to describe them, they caressed the eye in such a way I felt I was being sexually hypnotised, and it's very rare for a game of such callabor to do this to me. Only a man of perfection and genius could do such an inspirational anomaly to a human being, and for that, I must congratulate you.

But if a fantastic shoot-em-up wasn't enough for you, the 'Extras' menu is your next port of call. Here, we are treated to, possibly, the second best game in existence, where the main object is to keep the colours in the line to make a rather comical milk carton. This was far harder than the actual game, because if you picked the wrong colours, Hitler came out of the ground and raped you savagely for what apeared to be at least ten minutes. Now, I'm not an historian, but that's history for you. That is history.

In conclusion, this is the best game ever, where a comic mind meets a brilliant gameman-dude. I've always wondered what will happen when you mix funny with real talent, and now I know; the biggest pile of shit imagineable.

DanAbnormal responds: